Chlorine Sky Read online

  Andre. Right?”

  AFTER THE BALL GAME, I REALIZE

  Kiyana & me got a lot in common:

  We talk sports

  Being the only girl around boys

  (Andre is her twin brother & they’re the youngest of five)

  But she doesn’t play ball, she’s an artist

  She talks about painting with the same intensity

  As I play ball.

  Her Basquiat shirt is faded & torn at the neckline

  She has an oversized faded bomber jacket with

  A Raiders crest on the sleeve

  Tyrone walks up & rolls his eyes at me

  Tries to get her attention with “Hey, Kiyana,

  When you gonna call me?”

  She turns her head away from him

  & eyes the exit sign, not mean

  But not interested

  “Never, Tyrone.”

  I like her style.

  BASKETBALL DRILLS #3

  both hands grip the orange world

  ridges in black talk back to my fingertips

  I try to worry about my aim

  But all I can think about is what I got & what I lost

  Clifton

  Lay Li

  Clifton

  Lay Li

  Clifton

  Lay Li

  Clifton Clifton Lay Li

  Clifton Clifton Clifton

  Lay Li

  Clifton

  Clifton?

  CLIFTON & I FALL OFF

  First, he’s upset that I talk to Kiyana during the game

  Then he’s upset that I don’t want to hang out at the all-night

  diner when he knows I got curfew

  Then he’s upset because he asked me to skip playing ball

  & I pretended like I ain’t hear him

  & now a week later & neither of us call each other.

  It’s been a month of us hanging out & I’m already overwhelmed with

  whatever this is

  There are still days I miss Lay Li

  But it’s less & less

  At first my chest is on fire

  The same way I feel after doing a bunch of burpees

  It’s like your world is shaking loose & your knees

  Are shaking & you drop to the ground & think

  “I’ll just stay here for a while”

  But no. You got to jump up

  Hop on both sets of your feet

  Ignore the burn

  Ignore the knee ache

  Reach your hands to the sky

  Up

  Arms reaching above your head

  Up & jump

  The elation you feel when you can breathe again

  The burn that simmers & is just a warmth when

  It’s all over

  That’s how I feel about Lay Li

  Especially now, when I hang out with Kiyana

  At first, I worry about if I’m funny enough

  Then I worry about if I talk too much/not enough

  It’s hard being friends with people

  When you are still figuring out who you are

  But Kiyana is super chill

  She wears her brother’s hoodies

  & the same pair of worn black & white Chuck Taylors

  She’s pretty, but doesn’t seem to care about how it affects

  The boys who stutter when they see her

  After I play pickup with Tyrone & the others

  Kiyana walks to the entrance gate & waits for me to finish

  We walk back to my house so I can change before

  We head to the community center

  I don’t go to the pool as much

  Because Kiyana can’t swim

  We settle on going to the mall

  for the second time in a week

  Kiyana said “This is boring.

  People just come here to look

  at other people & talk smack.

  Let’s go to the center in Meadowview.”

  The center is in a part of town

  that I don’t normally go to.

  It’s hard to get there because

  it’s between my usual bus stops.

  Kiyana shows up in her usual outfit

  Faded gray hoodie, oversized & red lipstick hastily applied

  It’s smeared on her mouth

  like she rubbed her back hand against it,

  I hand her a napkin, run into the

  bathroom for a quick shower

  When I come out I realize Essa just walked in

  Before I realize I am really hurrying to get dressed

  & get out of the house before Essa can ruin my day

  Or even worse, ruin my almost friendship

  Out the room & up the hallway I move like a hurricane waiting

  “Hey,” I say. & look at Kiyana like let’s get outta here.

  Essa just stares at us then shrugs as Kiyana jumps up

  & walks to the front door

  Her eyes down down down

  A block away her energy lifts in a beat

  We walk past a dance studio

  Where the pep squad girls for the city rehearse

  All different ages of girls in sweats & bare feet

  Dance at their reflection in the mirror

  My beat lifts & I walk to watch them closer

  Some girls snicker at us when we walk to the window

  I look at Kiyana & I realize her lipstick is still smeared

  My eyes are slit black beams

  Ready to swing

  The snickers turn to sucked teeth

  Then silence.

  “Kiyana, your lipstick.” I point.

  & just like Kiyana, she uses the sleeve of her hoodie.

  “You okay?” I ask

  & she inhales deep

  All the oxygen must’ve filled her lungs

  Cause she sigh in response

  “Girl. Your sister is mean.”

  I just look at her.

  Then I laugh.

  I laugh so loud we have to move away from the window

  I laugh until I hiccup

  I laugh until my laughter got a laugh of its own

  My face hurts from laughing so much

  We are near the stop walk sign & I laugh

  Kiyana first concerned, looks at me like I’ve lost my mind

  Then she laughs too

  & we fall into each other giggling

  & we walk away towards the center

  The jokes writing themselves

  In the way we know the joke

  Before we ever heard the punch line.

  AT THE PURNELL COMMUNITY CENTER

  Our laughter sprawls like a b-boy spin

  it’s all spiral top

  it’s all sky fall

  it’s all gulping gulping gone, like a kitchen sink

  finally free

  I’m all silence

  Then deep breath

  & for the first time I just breathe & feel

  The pat pat of my chest.

  A friend is someone seeing you & hearing you

  without you having to say everything

  Every time

  & in this moment

  I realize I ain’t never had anyone to say what my heart knows

  I say “Girl, you don’t even know! My sister is the meanest person I know!”

  Kiyana opens the door to the game room & a bunch of wails

  spill out the opened doors. There are kids everywhere

  Books everywhere

  Cr
ayons & construction paper everywhere

  “She said my lipstick was ugly. Just like that.”

  Kiyana snaps her fingers—“Not ‘hey who are you?’ Nada. Just something about how she didn’t like my lipstick.”

  “I’m sorry,” I start.

  “No. It’s okay. She seems really sad.

  My brothers stay dating girls like her.

  The kind of girl that needs others to be sad, so she feels better

  about herself. But you’re cool. You two are nothing alike.”

  YOU TWO ARE NOTHING ALIKE

  Nothing alike

  No thing is alike

  No thing is likely

  I am flipping her sentence around in my head

  Again & again like I’m known to do when focusing

  On shooting the ball

  Essa & I are nothing alike

  Nothing alike

  “Hey,” Kiyana calls. She waves her fingers

  In the air like a bouquet of ribbons.

  “You okay?” she asks, her eyebrows deep creases of

  concern. I smile, like it’s nothing (no thing, no)

  & point to the area where there is

  a photo background setup.

  “Let’s take a photo,” I say instead of “I don’t know who I am.

  I don’t know if I’m okay. I don’t know. I don’t know.

  But I’ll figure it out.”

  SELFIES BE LIKE

  A couple of clicks, No

  Find your angle, Oh

  Find your light, No

  Do not put the light behind you

  It makes you darker than you really are

  A couple of clicks in this position, light behind the camera

  Smize, pretend no one is watching

  Smirk, pretend you are a model

  Smile, pretend you got all the light you need

  Okay, now use flash

  Now use the filter

  Yes. Vivid that bih

  Yasssssss. Calm yourself with each click

  Become someone more fly

  Channel your inner Iman, Beyoncé, Eva, Naomi

  Don’t worry about who stares

  you are becoming you are becoming you are you are you look like an angel

  look how far you’ve come

  KIYANA CALLS ONE OF THEM KIDS

  To come & take a photo of us both

  I move my body to the front of the set

  Crouch down in the front

  Kiyana say “Look up.”

  We pose with our hands in prayer mode & we laugh

  I move to the right side

  Kiyana moves to the left

  Green background behind us

  & we pull out the peace sign

  I do it to balance my bravery

  “Use the flash?” the young photographer asks

  We nod & both stare at the lens

  Eyes unblinking

  Red lips full.

  Even after the bulbs flash

  Dark circles swim across the room.

  AFTER WE LEAVE

  The community center

  Everything feels different

  The air feels different

  The sky feels open

  I walk with Kiyana & her brother Dre

  He showed up to walk us home from the bus stop

  He’s not so bad, I think, looking at his profile

  Against the streetlight’s glow

  We cracking jokes & I almost forget how

  quiet he be when Tyrone get to talking smack

  But we can’t all be heroes

  I mean, even I forgot I ain’t a mouse when everything

  starts moving fast & arguments get loud

  The only time I know I’m my own person is on the court

  When I can see the game for what it is

  When I know I can sit the bench & rep for my team if I can’t

  Keep up my pace

  When I finally walk in the house, I see a note

  From my mama saying dinner is on the stove

  She’s out with friends at the bowling alley

  The phone rings & I think it’s Mama checking to make sure

  I made it in the house

  But it’s not her

  It’s Lay Li

  & anyone eavesdropping

  can hear my smile fall

  When her voice crawls from the receiver.

  Lay Li says “We gotta talk.

  Come outside.”

  & before I know it

  the phone is on the cradle

  echoing gone through the small three-bedroom house

  the screen door slams shut as I race

  to my ex-bestie.

  ON THE CORNER

  under a pair of streetlights

  Lay Li waits under the street lamp

  against the backdrop of the blue black sky.

  She leans back on the steel pole

  she is dipped

  wearing a fluffy pink sweatshirt

  with a Strawberry Shortcake cartoon embroidery

  where her heart would be.

  Lay Li looks pale

  ghost ghost pale

  Her hands stuffed in the front pocket like

  her nerves won’t let her do much else.

  “Hey,” she greets me, eyes puffy

  from crying or no sleep? I think.

  It’s been weeks & I realize

  I don’t care. I don’t care anymore.

  BECAUSE I AIN’T DIPPED

  I’m wearing last summer league’s

  basketball shorts & a pair of old Nike Cortez

  But I ain’t dipped

  I don’t look like Lay Li & the girls from Fashion Club

  usually do, effortless

  Nah, I look like me

  & I like me

  I immediately stand up straighter

  like an inch can make me more memorable or more beautiful

  I’d settle for just being more like me.

  LAY LI DOESN’T NOTICE MY SHORTS

  Or maybe she just doesn’t care

  usually she’d say: “What are you wearing?”

  or

  “You’d look so nice in a pair of cutoff jeans”

  but today nothing

  she stands under the light wringing

  her hands like a dishrag.

  “Hey.” I nod my head

  like I do when I want to play ball

  or walk through the doorframe first

  or get on the bus next

  or when a bunch of boys block the way.

  I nod like I’m on defense.

  I am defensive

  I don’t want to be but the way my patience is set up

  The way my anxiety is set up

  The way I want to fall to the ground &

  Hug my stomach from all the knots

  This nod will have to do.

  LAY LI OPENS HER MOUTH & A STORY I AIN’T NEVER WANT TO HEAR

  Rushes out like a broken faucet.

  She says:

  Clifton tried to kiss her

  & my chest fills with so much air

  I think I could fill up a dozen balloons

  & the knot in my gut loosens

  Like when I’m on the court & the three is mines

  I don’t even watch it swish

  I’m downcourt already

  I already know the score.

  He tried to kiss her

  behind the bleachers

  The same day him & I walked in the gym

  I was more worried about why she ain’t talk to me

&n
bsp; I barely noticed when he left me in search of the bathroom

  So how would I know

  he saw her & pulled her behind the bleachers

  How would I know

  they knew each other from before

  How would I know Lay Li

  figured today, of all days, was the best

  day to tell me everything.

  Before things get too

  out of hand.

  THE THING ABOUT THE TRUTH

  is it never really surprises you

  So, when Lay Li reveals what a part of me

  always knew deep down in my gut

  it hurts, yeah, it stings like a mugg

  but what hurts more

  is she waited so long.

  I say: “It’s been two months

  & you watched me walk around

  with him. It’s been months

  & you haven’t called me back.

  You saw me with him

  & ain’t had nothing to say?

  How can you play me

  when I’ve always had your back?

  You must think I’m dumb

  I was willing to fight for you just because you ask

  But you were quick to let everyone make fun of me,

  now you are here with this story about Clifton?

  I don’t care about him.

  & I don’t care about you.

  You more concerned with what Shawn knows

  & where Curtis is

  than how you ain’t never really been a good friend

  You were like my sister

  & that’s why I let you walk all over me.

  But I get it now, you’re not my family.”

  Lay Li’s eyes almost rolled out her head

  She didn’t wipe her face, just tucked her lip in

  “The only reason I’m telling you is because

  I know I owed you more. It wasn’t right to

  keep that from you. But you looked so happy.