Chlorine Sky Page 4
& tetherball
& T-ball
This is how I learn to play not as big
cause nobody got time for a girl outshining them.
MY BIG COUSIN INGA ASKS ME
“Who you playing small for?”
& I pretend I don’t know what she’s talking about
She’s five foot eleven & the tallest woman in our family
She’s a basketball coach for the lil’ kid league during summer
& after she saw I had handles in fourth grade
she ain’t let me drop the rock since
“Who you playing small for?”
Means:
I don’t get to slink into the corner.
I don’t get to find a home in the shadow.
Not when there is a court nearby.
Inga attends Downtown Community College
& talks to Essa almost every day
But sometimes it’s like they don’t even like each other.
When Essa & Inga’s arguments get too big
& Essa screams into the phone
Then it’s weeks before I see Inga again
I’ll come home from the pool & she’ll be
on the porch or sitting on the hood of her mama’s car
waiting for Essa to come home from her classes at State
She’ll shrug when I say where you been & then say
“I love her, but I don’t like her. Most times, I think if
We weren’t related, we wouldn’t be around each other at all.”
When she’s at the house, we go straight to the court
She makes me play her one-on-one
She hits the ball out my hand if I’m sloppy
She kicks at my feet planted
& shakes her head
“Play D! Lil’—what did I teach you?!”
Inga calling me Lil’ tells me I’m someone’s sister
Inga calling me Lil’ shows me I’m not out here on my own
& everything I do means something to someone else
& just like that I begin to play for keeps.
On the court
There is no mercy
I’m a baller
& I don’t care who is bothered by all the space
I take up.
SO, WHEN CLIFTON SAYS
that sweet sweet simile
from fourth-grade English
I force a smile
I hold his hand
& look past the bleachers for Lay Li.
The day I met Clifton at the mall
Was the day I wore my cousin Tia’s hoodie
From the thrift store
& Inga flat-ironed my hair real cute
& my bangs fell all around the front of my face
& Essa rolled her eyes at me
So I know I was fly.
PAST THE BLEACHERS
In the corner
Next to the far side of the green gym doors
Lay Li sits like the queen
surrounded by some girls from Fashion Club
They all wear their tight yellow pants
They all shine bright
like diamonds.
Lay Li see me
& usually she would wave me over
tell whatever girl on her right side to move over.
“She’s my right hand.”
But not today
We just stare each other down.
SHE LOOKS ME HARD IN MY EYES
& my knees lock into tree trunks
My eyes don’t dance like my heartbeat racing
They stare straight back hot daggers.
I remember things will never be the same.
I remember things
WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got my own ideas
I got my own body
I got my own mind.
I let Clifton lead me to the bleachers
on the opposite side of the court.
I realize as I plop down
on the bleacher seats
ain’t no one but my mama
& Lay Li
ever held my hand before.
THERE IS A RUMOR GOING AROUND
& I know it got my name on it.
That’s how Tre got shot
That’s how Teneisha got got
Rumors be the worst thing since government cheese.
Grandma Maxi say:
“Hands crisscrossed across the chest
mean you got something to hide.”
She also say “make a cheese sandwich for after-school snack”
No matter the stomachache that come for me.
Let Teneisha tell it
Keeping to yourself won’t save you
She was just at the bus stop
& the girls jumped her for wearing blue
& the girls jumped her for talking
to their boyfriends at the Mack Road mall
& the girls jumped her because she think she cute
& I don’t want my name attached to a beatdown
Or a rumor
But laws of the school say I got at least one (if not both)
coming to me.
I FIGURE IT’S THE RUMOR
Cause it gets too quiet
When I walk into a room
Like even my breath is being judged
& my whole stomach turns on itself
tight & rock hard
like I just ate one of them cheese sandwiches
I wish I could ask Lay Li what happened.
Why is everyone staring at me?
But I got too many questions
& not one person to depend on for answers.
WHEN A RUMOR HIT THE WIND
The room is a graveyard of friends
These the same girls that laugh when I laugh
But now they laugh without including me
Now they take pictures with each other
& I ain’t nowhere in the frame.
HAVE YOU EVER STARTED A RUMOR?
Like not on purpose
Maybe you shared a secret
& the secret got wings
& then someone shared that
Same secret with wings except
They gave it a candle
Cause it was too dark or something
Maybe they needed some light
& maybe the wings took flight
With the light & maybe they
Shared that same candle winged thing
With someone that don’t know or don’t care
& in the wind that flame goes
Lighting up all the dead
Do you know
how it can start
slow like a burn
or a tickle
until it’s not funny anymore?
it feels like a needle
pressing down
before the nurse gives the vaccination shot
it feels like a joke
that everyone is laughing at
except the person
they’re joking about
instead of laughing
that warm glow that grows
inside your chest & hands
& crawls across your cheeks
like some uncontrollable kind of happy
it feels more like
closing your eyes
tight
so tight
the air can’t get in
& the water can’t get out
can you feel the sting?
that’s how it feels
like a forever
sting.
WHEN I’M ON THE BASKETBALL COURT
I ain’t pointed at
I ain’t forgotten
I ain’t really myself at all
The only place that feel as good as the court
Is when I’m in Clifton’s arms
In his arms I ain’t laughed at
In his arms I ain’t pointed at
In his arms I ain’t forgotten
With Clifton I feel like I’m on the court
My heart is certain
His hands frame my face
Like my hands hold the rock
His lips come to mine
& my heart flutter the same
As when I realize the ball into the air
The net waving a welcome song
Perfect aim
No swish
My first kiss? I Swoon
When I’m on the court.
IT’S TOO HOT TO THINK ABOUT THINKING
I had my first (but third in life) kiss
With Clifton & no one to talk to about it
Lay Li looked at me & I looked back
Like that
Everything is dust
But now that it’s Saturday
& all my chores are done
I have nothing better to do.
I have no one to turn to
I make my way around the corner
Maybe I can play pickup
I bop across the grass &
As soon as my ten toes touch asphalt
all the boys groan
It’s too hot to think about thinking
We play three-on-three
My team ain’t trash but my mind is everywhere.
I miss an assist
I miss my free throw
I’m fouled & I keep quiet.
Not like me.
The sweat pours from my pores
The game of twenty-one is just beginning.
Tyrone & the rest of the boys
from the summer program
let me play but never in peace.
My handles
I swerve
Ankles intact
Don’t travel
Dribble
Dribble
Pump fake
Tyrone falls for it
Swings his arms for the story
No glory
Just a clean shot
Look at my elbow
Ain’t it just a shelf for a bottle of your tears
Score
Tyrone fouls me again
This time I’m fouled & I am foul.
I point my finger at his basketball shorts
Call his game as raggedy as his clothes
THE ASPHALT IS HOT ON MY SNEAKERS
but it’s too hot to think
& I can’t care about them stupid boys not wanting me to play
Cause they can’t beat me.
That’s why they mad
That’s why Tyrone suck his teeth
That’s why he pushes me when I get the ball in my possession.
But I still talk tough
Just like Inga taught me
My mouth so mine
It cut rocks into pebbles
It cut glass into shatter
It cut metal into sharp silver slices
I even talk smack to Coach Willie
When I’m on the court it’s different
The rules are different
& ain’t no jail
& no Mama to worry about disappointing
I am my own on the blacktop
But the blacktop ain’t where folks keep their feelings
So when Tyrone pushed me into the closet last year
& Coach Willie let him
I realize a girl’s mouth is a weapon
I realize the game is fixed
When I play ball, they say my mouth too big
Coach Willie, our summer camp counselor,
Say “I got the nerve to talk like a boy”
He say I ain’t supposed to say them things.
Not with my girl mouth
& I was almost surprised
Cause I ain’t said nothing that they haven’t already said to me.
& with all my tough talk, I still don’t talk about nobody’s mama
Cause Tyrone’s mama reminds me of my uncle
Sick on that stuff
& I don’t talk about his daddy neither
Cause his daddy gone just like mines.
Instead
I say “Your handles is trash!”
& really, that’s only a fact.
TYRONE MAD CAUSE IT’S TRUE
His face turns dark around the eyes
His lips purse into a curse word
& he pushes me against the backboard bar
& he pushes my head
& he tries to take the ball out my hands.
But I already told you
I’m too quick
I know how to deal with these kind of boys
The kind that don’t keep they hands to themselves.
I pivot fast on my right
I drop my hip & push all my weight on the same heel
My left foot crunches into his size eleven shoes
My whole body crashes up & then back
I try to push his lower body through his stomach
I try to push through his nightmares
I want to remind him to never touch me again
I send him thrashing to the dirty concrete
Then I sit the ball down by his body squirming
& walk away slow.
I’M STILL MAD
when I walk up the block around the corner
away from Tyrone
I am steaming mad
I am
So mad I can’t hear Clifton calling my name.
He jogs from the bus stop up the hill above the playground
& right towards me
It’s like my blood is boiling
& my heart is racing
& my eyes see rain
But it’s burning up outside.
I stretch my extra T-shirt across my shoulders
I count backwards from ten
& try to remember what Cousin Inga said:
“don’t play small”
On repeat.
It’s so loud in my head
I never hear Clifton calling my name
from the edge of the basketball court
his eyes shaded by his hands
It’s too loud.
It’s too loud.
My ears ringing from the noise in my blood.
I DON’T REALIZE I’M ON THE PORCH OF LAY LI’S HOUSE
Until I ring the doorbell & sit on the porch steps
Her house is closer to the ball court
But far away enough for me to gather my thoughts
Especially in this heat.
I want to go swimming
I want to forget about the court for a minute.
Lay Li’s little sisters come outside without saying a word
I know Lay Li sent them.
“Hi,” they say in chorus
Both of their pigtails bouncing with plastic BoBo’s at the ends
Of their thick braided hair
“Hi,” I say weakly & try to smile
Then look at my reflection in their glass screen door
My messy ponytail
& my basketball shorts rumpled.
The older of the twin sisters ask: “What happened?”
& I give her a frown as my answer: nothing.
We si
t there in silence for one whole minute
Before a group of kids riding by on their bikes
Catch my attention.
Their hands up in the air
Their weight balanced on the black seat
They are laughing like I used to laugh with Lay Li
& I remember Lay Li & me ain’t really
Got nothing to say no more.
I don’t know why.
I just know it is what it is.
I just know we ain’t friends no more.
I FINALLY STAND UP
& younger twin says “Lay Li said she be out in a minute”
But I shrug & say “Never mind.”
& bounce up the block
toward the street where my house sits alone
Without ever looking back.
I JUST WANT TO TELL LAY LI
about my kiss with Clifton
He is almost a whole five inches taller than me
I figure this out as I count three whole “Mississippi”s
before his lips reach mine.
This will be my third kiss.
But the first one doesn’t count.
See that’s where Lay Li comes in
& that’s why it’s important that she knows
What happens next
Because my quote-unquote first kiss
happened in a closet
In the dark
With everyone outside the door
Waiting to hear how it went.
The game was called “Seconds in Heaven”
& I ain’t really even want to play
But Lay Li said: “Don’t be a child.”
LAY LI GOT A WAY
of sounding way older than she is