Chlorine Sky Read online

  Did I tell you how much Essa hates me?

  (It’s like her & Lay Li got more in common each day!)

  Lucky for me our cousin Inga is around

  The house like the big hand on the clock

  So what Inga say goes & she always comes

  through for me

  Right on time

  Even though Essa tell me she can’t stand me

  & to get my own friends

  I pull on my crisp new Chucks

  & cover up my crop-top basketball camp shirt

  We walk to the front yard where Inga’s mama

  Auntie Renee’s car is parked

  It’s an old dusty white Cutlass

  It looks like a cloud

  It looks like a dream

  Essa starts capping hard

  On the car being so old

  Jesus prolly used dinosaur bones for petro

  But Inga pays her no mind

  She checks the rearview mirror

  & looks at Essa with her eyes stone cold

  “Shut up before I make you walk”

  & I cackle a little too loud

  Because Essa snaps her head around like an owl

  “What you laughing at? If I walk, then you walk!”

  I close my mouth & pull the hoodie over my bangs.

  WE PULL INTO THE PARKING LOT

  & everybody & their mama is here

  Nannies & grandmamas & strollers & loud babies wailing

  Teenagers with their scooters & three-wheelers

  Helmets that match their checkered Vans

  Girls from the private school in their mandatory uniforms

  Folded up above the knee sit against the entryway

  & watch the coordinated chaos

  Lay Li had to stay home

  Her dad don’t play that go out & leave your siblings mess

  So I’m stuck with my sister, Essa, (who hates me)

  & our cousin Inga (who loves me)

  Inga walks through the double doors like a queen

  & I pull my hoodie off my head so I can see her clearly

  She commands attention when she walks into a room

  Her bun wrapped tightly in a knot at the top of her head

  Her leggings & knee-high boots match her fanny pack

  Slung effortlessly across her shoulder.

  Essa also moves like royalty

  Her head upright & her shoulders squared

  When she isn’t angry with me

  She beams like her dimples are a gift to the world.

  I walk behind them both in awe & inspired

  I straighten my shoulders

  Paste a smile on my face

  I’m more happy inside than I am on the outside

  But I feel like this is what I should do

  Even though I’m wearing my old cut-out jeans

  It feels good to walk with my family

  & not have to worry about if they like me or not

  & when I think it can’t get no better

  Inga turns around after we pass the pretzel spot

  In the food court & winks

  “I think you got a fan, Lil’ Cousin.”

  SHE POINTS TO THE GROUP

  Of guys sitting on a bench

  with her short & shiny manicured nails

  & before I can figure out who she’s talking about

  The tallest one from the bunch moves forward.

  He is wearing a pair of camouflage cargo pants

  & flannel patterned shirt

  His hat covers his brown eyes

  But I can tell he’s looking right at me

  He walks away from the group

  & I see some of the boys from the court

  Today they look at me different

  It must be the outfit.

  He walks closer to me

  Five foot eleven

  His hands in his pockets

  I think my heart could fit in his hands

  He smiles a little

  & I decide I could like him

  “What’s up? I’m Clifton,” he says.

  His eyes never move from my face

  & it’s so intense

  It’s like I’m in the pool again

  Underwater

  Holding my breath

  My arms are floating

  Away from my body

  I’m in the mall now

  But in my head

  I’m in the pool after practice

  & I get the same calming feeling I get

  When I jump into the deep end blue

  & sink until I rise again

  Left arm

  Right leg kick

  Right arm

  Left leg kick

  Butterfly

  Till both arms lift out the sorta sea together

  But I’m not in the pool

  I remind myself

  But in my chest

  I begin to backstroke

  to open my eyes & check out the sky

  I wade in the teal azul when a fire burns my chest

  Even in the cold pool, I know I must be careful

  I don’t want to sink

  If I’m not careful

  like now

  I could lose my breath

  MY FIRST TIME OUT WITH CLIFTON

  I know the world is going to end.

  Mama don’t play that

  “company over when grown folks out the house” business

  & even though Essa is home with cousin Inga

  they ain’t grown:

  They’re just teenagers

  With a curfew that ain’t dictated by the sun

  going down & the streetlights coming on

  They’re just teenagers

  Who curse when the neighbors are looking

  But never when they own parents are looking cause

  They ain’t got a death wish

  They’re just teenagers

  With a taste for the kind of freedom

  They’ve only seen on sitcoms

  The kind with two-parent households

  not homes like ours

  More like Inga’s mom, Auntie Renee, who saves coupons

  & works every day, clockwork ready for the water company

  More like Inga’s mom, Auntie Renee, who on her day off

  will drive by different houses with FOR SALE signs

  plastered in their yard, with her eyes bright & dancing

  singing Luther Vandross to whoever is in the passenger seat

  More like Mama, who tells me to ignore Essa’s attitude

  Cause she works too many hours & ain’t got time

  To listen to our argument when she finally come home.

  More like Mama, who calls me her baby (mostly cause I am the last born)

  Who works too many hours to make it to my basketball games

  & the house better be clean cause you don’t want to get

  on her bad side

  More like Mama, the sweetest woman I’ve ever known

  Who still got rules that we betta follow cause ain’t nobody

  in this house more grown than her.

  THE RULES ARE EASY

  No boys in the house when I’m gone

  Nobody who don’t live here in the house when I’m gone

  (Who left on the light?)

  (Who do you think you are?)

  Nobody mess up the kitchen before I get home to cook

  Nobody eat all the cereal

  Nobody eat all the bread

  Nobody go begging for food like we’re poor

  (You trying to make me look like a bad p
arent?)

  (You acting like you don’t know no better?)

  No, you can’t go over to that house

  Yes, you can go to the park

  Be back before dark

  (Nobody walked the dog?)

  (Nobody folded the clothes?)

  (Who do you think I am?)

  (I work all day and got to come home and work too?)

  No fighting in the house

  No running from fights

  That school better not call my phone

  Don’t steal snacks from the store—we ain’t broke

  Make ramen for snack

  Make a peanut-butter sandwich

  Don’t use all my butter

  Don’t eat all the cheese

  Take the chicken out the freezer

  (Ain’t nobody take the chicken out the freezer?)

  Nobody call my phone unless the house is on fire

  Watch your mouth

  (Who do you think you’re talking to?)

  I’m not one of your little friends.

  SO, WHEN CLIFTON ASKS TO USE THE BATHROOM

  after we walk home from the basketball game

  I forget about Mama’s rule.

  I am too busy thinking

  about the cold shoulder

  Lay Li tossed my way

  It’s been weeks since she & I talked.

  But it feels like eternity

  When I see Lay Li sitting like the bleachers are her throne

  I can still hear her voice in my head “You ruin everything!”

  I walk in the orange-lit gymnasium

  with my mall purchase, a pair of hot pink stretch pants

  & I got a date (with a boy from a different school)

  all on my own

  But Lay Li ain’t even speak

  & I thought for sure she’d be impressed.

  I thought:

  Here I go

  just shining

  like my own

  s u n .

  HERE I GO

  beaming

  with somebody

  Lay Li ain’t had to trick into pretending to like me

  & Lay Li acts like it’s nothing

  Like I’m nothing.

  All because I didn’t lie to Shawn

  who likes her too much

  & keep on asking me questions.

  SHAWN WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT CURTIS

  & why Lay Li & him broke up

  in the first place

  He doesn’t believe she left Curtis for him

  He doesn’t believe much of what she say

  Because word is out that Curtis is her first everything

  First real boyfriend

  First real love

  First real kiss

  First hand to touch her like the slow songs sing about

  Now, nobody calls Curtis a lie

  It don’t matter if he got caught in a lie

  It don’t matter if he forget the first story he told

  It don’t matter if he never answers the questions outright

  He just nod & shrug & the boys say

  I knew it!

  & everybody think they know

  & mostly they don’t

  But the truth don’t matter when you got better stories to tell yourself

  Now,

  Shawn runs the West Side

  & Curtis runs the South Side

  Both sides hold court during away sports games

  Where the most popular guys

  Talk this & that

  Brag about girls they bagged

  The new kicks they got

  The game they watched on television

  The summer school they going to for summer

  Who got smoked

  Who got smoke

  Who smoke

  They talk as much as they say us girls do

  & still they never say much

  Lay Li say whether or not

  Lay Li & Curtis hooked up

  It ain’t nobody’s business

  & I agree

  BUT CURTIS LET IT BE EVERYBODY’S BUSINESS

  & that’s how they broke up.

  Lay Li decides

  Finger snap: just like that

  “Curtis never existed. He never happened. Never speak his name.”

  I say “Okay.” Okay. But when Shawn asks if they ever really hooked up, I say

  “Curtis is a dog!” instead of “Ask Lay Li.”

  Which really feels like the same thing

  Except it ain’t.

  One says “I’ll lie for my friend.”

  & other proves I will try

  to lie for my friend

  & fail.

  Just like that: finger snap Lay Li decides I don’t exist too.

  She’s talking into the phone until Shawn hangs up.

  She calls back.

  He won’t answer.

  She calls again

  She calls me jealous.

  He won’t answer.

  The ring is the loudest ring that never ends

  Before she slams the phone on the table

  Before she cries in her hands

  Before I realize I’ve never seen her like this

  Her makeup smeared & running a river into the brink of her palms

  She picks up the phone & calls Shawn

  No Answer

  She calls Shawn again

  No Answer

  She turns to cry on my shoulder

  For a moment, I exist again

  My hand on her back patting softly in Morse code

  I’m sorry I’m sorry It will be okay

  “Maybe I can call him back?”

  I ask

  My mind racing trying to fix what I didn’t know was broken

  But Lay Li stops crying

  Wipes her face on her sleeve & looks me dead in my eyes

  I don’t exist.

  I don’t exist.

  I don’t

  I AIN’T NEVER BEEN GOOD AT LYING

  To: Lay Li

  I’m sorry

  I didn’t mean to

  But I ain’t never been a good liar

  Mama told me so

  She say

  You got a way of repeating back a question until it sounds old & worn

  Like shoes with bad soles

  & no one can believe a story

  with all them pauses

  ANYWAYS, LIKE I WAS SAYING

  I walk in the gym with Clifton

  He two steps behind me—all lanky & lean

  He make me feel pretty

  He see me in a way I never thought

  I wanted eyes to look at me before.

  He looks at me

  like the boys look at Lay Li

  So I thought she’d understand when Clifton & I walked in together.

  Cheerleaders strut by in their orange & green outfits

  the tassels & orange pom-poms

  are small & flurry globes & bounce like sparklers

  to anyone with enough patience

  to look closely.

  This the part where Clifton look at me real close

  I stop walking

  My mouth wide open

  He says “Your eyes are like diamonds”

  & I want to smile.

  BUT I KNOW BAD GAME WHEN I HEAR IT

  Especially when the entire fourth grade in Ms. Meeks’s class

  worked these same tired similes

  The thing is

  Clifton said it to ME

  & he don’t know what I worked on

  during fourth-grade English


  Or how I walk the halls & everyone make fun of me.

  The thing about bullies is

  They only notice the people that don’t fight back

  They take your kindness for weakness

  But I’m not weak

  I’m just tired of swinging

  WHEN KIDS HAVE

  a different daddy than their siblings

  It’s hard to remember what comes first

  The heart hurt or the stomach growl.

  Essa got a different daddy

  He’s okay

  Not mean, like her

  But my dad is a ghost.

  Mama say

  Some people can’t stay out of jail

  Essa say

  He ain’t never want you

  her nails click in the air like they closing a casket

  Cousin Inga say

  Essa just jealous

  But I know hate when I see it.

  AFTER FOURTH GRADE

  I learned “You think you so smart” is a threat

  In high school, without no daddy to show me how to dribble

  Or pivot

  With a sister who act like she hate me

  & a cousin who more sister than cousin

  I figure, I’m safer if I stay away from light

  Ain’t no daddy to say move right, right left

  Mama work for everyone, so I don’t hold my breath

  Just stay away from the spotlight

  The light gets too hot for brown girls like me to feel safe.

  This is when I learned to play not as smart

  This is when I learned to keep my hands

  in my lap during Mr. Wacobi’s class

  This is when I learned to not run as fast

  This is when I stop beating the boys

  in running

  & kickball